Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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