He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
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