8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
