I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
