I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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