I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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