Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
