Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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