Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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