can u get pink eye on your cock?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
