I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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