I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
