Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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