Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
