every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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