you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
