Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My ass is underappreciated
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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