i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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