Tell her she can't have a vagina
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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