my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
