So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
