He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
