honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
