my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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