I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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