Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
