Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
