Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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