Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
