Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
