I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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