the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
