God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm just crazy horny about you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
