I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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