Will you blow on my dice?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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