oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
ttyl tear gas
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
