If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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