I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
