so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
