I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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