I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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