My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
