What a fucking waste of an outfit
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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