I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
