No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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