i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They took my balls.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
