when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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