so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
