I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
