you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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